I am such a full mix of emotion tonight.
I got some sweet snuggles in with my oldest tonight not too long ago here on the evening of his 18th birthday. He had a great day. and We had a great day Celebrating him. While I was holding him and rubbing his back I started to cry tears of gratitude and love and those of a mother who’s son is growing up. I’m starting to now again as I type this.
I told him a little bit about how when he was maybe around a year old or so I was becoming so firmly held in the grip of anxiety. My experience of my inner world was so difficult. I didn’t even have words like inner world yet. I was afraid of falling down the basement stairs and dying, I was afraid of a million and one things that could happen to my little baby. I was afraid of an apocalyptic 2012 (I saw one show on the history channel that terrified me for years from it).
Eventually I realized I needed to stop watching TV in general. I am too sensitive for that, But that was a few years still to come. I was still watching the news back then and Dr Phil.. and Oprah… and that damn history channel.
I loved the PBS show NOVA and the cool space stuff they would teach about where every episode I always turned to my husband and asked incredulously “yeah but how the hell do they really know that?” I still ask this question to this day. My mind can not comprehend how people can figure these things out.
That damn loved NOVA got me too though all thrown into new terrors by teaching me about the idea and potential of a super volcano exploding and throwing the world into another ice age of sorts. Something along those lines, It felt like only a matter of when not if in my mind. And I was SO Scared.
but actually While the television was feeding my anxiety like a Los Vegas Buffet it also was a place God came through and blessed me with some oh SO NEEDED Grace.
Oprah did a whole thing with Eckhart Tolle about his book a New Earth and then slowing over the course of 10 weeks working through the book in a series of online talks.
It WAS MY SAVING GRACE. Period. For real this saved my ass you guys.
It was pure grace. I can’t put into words how much I needed this. I was breaking on the inside you guys being crushed by my own mind and my imagination. I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t even know what was happening besides the world feeling the most unsafe in the middle of a very safe place, a home with food, love, warmth, water, friends, family… I had all of those things and a son to take care of and the World was going to kill us, soon likely, and violently somehow.
I could dive into all that so much more and maybe in a later share sometime I will but for now the main point of the story is.
Gina was crumbling in anxiety. Here safely in her home while being a stay at home mom of one caring for her baby in her quiet neighborhood of a tiny town.
And then Grace brought me the thing I needed the most.
The idea (Never had it before crossed my mind that I can remember) of Living in the Moment. Like really being here. Being with each step while ascending the stairs. Being here. And there were countless other golden nuggets and gems in his books.
The Power of NOW. This webinar was on Eckhart’s book A New Earth but you can bet I went and bought the other book too and then a bit later I bought both books too in audio book CD’s and oh did I listen to those a lot!
I needed this so much and it marked the start of a whole new earth I was able to begin to traverse.
Being in the now and dancing with that ever changing always unfolding ever new moment has become over this length of time a big deal of me.
And back when my now 18 year old was just a baby beginning crawling I got my first introduction. And I have never been the same since.
I wasn’t cured of anxiety you guys I wasn’t but with time and focus and years- it is like night and day.
I still get hit with fears. For sure. Even yesterday something creepy and future fear based thing got thorough in my YouTube suggestions and their hook of a headline was strong enough to get me to click and watch. And it triggered fears in me and anxiety about the future.
AND
I just have way more choice now on what to do with that and how to deal with it.
And a mind that has had a lot of training to work to serve my joy more than my fear.
I try to give that brain of mine good rewards for using my imagination for good and not bad.
I am a work in progress and I can say it’s work that if I didn’t do and if the Universe wouldn’t have blessed to bring this across my path through Oprah and Eckhart Tolle, I don’t even know what would be of me.
If the world is feeling apocalyptic I’ve been there. I know the feeling well.
And here are a few songs for the days when its scary.
We don’t know what the future will hold. We really don’t. And time will tell but for now and even then when the future is the present becoming we can always come back to the here and now.
I’ve made it 17 years without having to experience a Super Volcano throwing us all into an ashy pit of despair. And the Mayan thing, that was ok too. Y2K, we made it through that one too even longer back. I still haven’t fell down the basement stairs knock on wood (and we even put up a railing so that fear actually made my home safer) And I felt pretty sure we would all be blown up by some totally stupid man in charge in the first 6 months of Trumps first presidency and that’s when I was living so much more optimistically. I really thought we woulnt’t make it past 6 months there, and somehow we are still here.
There are a million or billion things that don’t make sense from my little point of perspective and a great lake size pool of reasons to be scared.
And though I am starting to cry as I type this.
I choose to BE HERE.
TO BE HERE
And to keep remembering to Choose not to be Scared.
Because what will be will be.
And when I am not scared I am so much more capable in being in the world and helping bring more of what I want to see into both my own experience and into the collective consciousness.
And when life is sweet in my home in my quiet town on this big tiny planet flying at ridiculous speeds through an unfathomable amount of space.
When life is sweet right HERE and NOW, well I have learned to ENJOY that. And let life be what it will while I learn to relax deeper into my dance with it.
I want to say -We aren’t wrong for having Anxiety.
Our third song today Dancing on the waves- I love this song so much you guys. Picture the Now itself singing it to you. And if you have a connection with the idea of God, of Source whatever you want to call it you can picture God singing it to you as well.
I pray we can all find, use, and remember the real tools there are in this world where there is so much to be scared of yet so much to help us through that to empowered embodied living and dancing in these lives of ours.
I pray to be and share from a place that what I put out into the world can help you in your own dance of this life of yours.
I am Sending so much Love. Really breath into this Precious and Sacred Moment that life is having with you through you and as you.
Be Here Now. Breathe in and be here.
Thank you thank you thank you for being Here.
Big Love and Many Blessings. Have a great one.
💖-Gina Maray
